my life - a series of continuous goodbyes.

I have anxiety. A "no big deal" midterm is always a big deal for me; a "normal" goodbye is never normal for me; and having a "few butterflies" in my stomach almost always results in vomit.

With that said, I sometimes ask myself, "So, why again did I choose to take on a career filled with constant distance to loved ones and inevitable goodbyes?"

This is what I'm asking myself tonight.

While I remain incredibly grateful for my fellowship and the already unbelievable opportunities that it has provided me, tonight I find myself resenting it. And then I resent myself for resenting it. And the cycle continues.

I'm home. In my bed in MN. With my cat nearby. Where everything smells and feels like "home". And I love it. I can pretend to be a strong, world-traveling, independent woman all day, but when it comes down to it, I want "home". Whatever "home" is.

I've loved every minute of my trip back to MN, but always dread this night...the night before the goodbyes. No matter what side I'm on - going or coming- saying goodbye to my love in Colorado or my loves in Minnesota - my stomach ties itself into knots and eyes well-up in anticipation.

Will it ever get easier?